Magician Jokes

Below are some of the magic related jokes I’ve found. Enjoy!

His best trick

The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students. When she called on Little Johnny, she asked, “And what does your father do?”

“Oh, he’s a magician,” replied Johnny.

“Really? And what’s his best trick?”

“His best trick is sawing people in half.”

“Wonderful!” exclaimed the teacher. “Tell me, are there any more children in your family?”

“Yes ma’am, I have a half brother and two half sisters.”

[source]

The Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

[source]

A Rabbit Joke

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “‘Hair Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave.”

Vegas Vacation

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, “How’d you do that?”

“I could tell you, sir”, the magician answered, “But then I’d have to kill you.”

After a short pause, the man yelled back, “Ok, then… just tell my wife!”

Growing Up

When I was a child my mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said “A Magician”. She said, “You can’t do both”.

The Juggler

A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about two miles north of the PA/MD state line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he would not give him a ticket.

The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out, and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there’s no way in Hell I can pass that test!”

Presto the Magic Rabbit

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the magician neighbor’s performing rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the magician is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the magician’s house, hoping he will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the magician is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Presto my magic rabbit died?”. The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?”.

The magician replies, “I just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after I buried him I went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!”

[ source - thanks Mike!]